English immigrants to get Welsh elocution lessons

English immigrants moving into Wales are to get elocution lessons to learn to speak the language properly. 

English settlers will learn to pronounce words like ‘sospan’ and ‘tooth’ correctly. 

A spokeswoman for the Welsh government told WalesOnCraic: 

“Ooo, it’s bloody tidy, mun innit, like? We gets lots of these English types coming over yer and taking all our words and we want to protect our borders and our language so when these butties come to live yer, we’re going to sends them to some evening classes so that they can learn to say the words properly, like. 

“I had one immigrant come up to me and told me that he was going to punch my tooth out. I told him that it’s not ‘tooth’ - it’s ‘tuth’. And then he punched me on my big nose. It’s ok because I used to go to karate lessons when I was a kid so I kicked him in the bollocks and that really put him in his place.” 

Over 4 million English immigrants pour over the border walls each month, prompting Welsh government officials to act. 

“There’s just not enough room yer,” added the spokeswoman. “We can’t have a country full of them, all saying the word ‘saucepan’ wrong. It’s not who we are.” 

Elocution lessons will start from next week when the teachers can be arsed.