Husband determined not to put heating on this year

A tight-arsed husband from Pontypool has announced that he is aiming to hold off putting his heating on this year.

Larry Coldcheeks said that he will have to apply for a new mortgage if he puts his heating on this autumn.

Speaking to some mates down the pub, Mr Coldcheeks said:

“It costs me £3k a week to put my heating on and I’m not having that, mun. I’ve instructed all family members to wear a woolly jumper so that I don’t have to put the fricking thing on. I’ve taken the fuse out of the boiler and drained all the water out of the radiators. If my missis thinks she’s going to put it on, she can get a divorce.

“Last year, my heating bill was £76,000 and it wasn’t even that cold! I’d rather spend that money down the pub, getting shitfaced so that I don’t have to face going home. My wife’s there on Saturday nights, watching Strictly in the warm, while I’m out working my arse off, talking to my mates down the pub. It’s unsustainable.”

Other residents in Mr Coldcheek’s street have said that they will also not be putting their heating on this year.

“We’ll arrange some community cwtches so that we can all make the most of our body heat. I’m specifically hoping Mrs Bigjugs from down the road will be able to make it,” said resident Brendon Fullsack.